Well I had a lot of time to myself today after my physical thereapy session. I have been studying my grade one braille pretty intensly! I am getting this slowly but surely. But today, I had time to myself, so when I was alone, I began feeling of myself. Well, feeling my pussy. I first felt the lips. It was like feeling someone else. I had no response to the touch myself. I gently massaged them, but nothing. They are totally numb, dead to me. Then, I felt inside. I found where the catheter I'm wearing enters my pee hole. I put my fingers deep inside me. Nothing. Oh I was still able to work up some moisture, but felt nothing. It's kinda depressing in a way, but arousing in another way. It's like I'm feeling Cathy's pussy, which of course, has been dead for years now. Finally, I felt my clit, and began massging it, gently at first, then faster and firmer. I should have been shaking all over, but felt absolutely nothing. OMG It's arousing in such a different way. I had done all I could to masturubate with no response from my body at all.
Then, I felt my nipples...they felt like rocks!!! I thought they were going to explode!
As I began massaging them and trying to get some release of some sort, I heard footsteps and the door slam shut. I jumped of course! Scared to death. I began saying "who's there, who is it". Then I grabbed the call button and rang for the nurse. When she came in, no one was in the room. I told her that someone had been in my room and had run out and slammed the door. She had not seen anyone, but promised to keep an eye on my room.
Crippled and blind, trying to get some pleasure, now I can't ever be sure I have privacy!
Monday, September 19, 2011
Friday, September 16, 2011
Quick update
I'm still in the hospital. Getting physically stronger everyday. And, working hard on the braille. I have the numbers and alphabet down pretty well. Still get some letters mixed up by feel. In my mind, I can see them all correctly, but I'm still working on the feel. I have to take a pain medicine and a medicine for my bladder on a daily basis now. I've been working on identifying those by feel this week. I can tell I'm getting better at things. I just never imagined how hard it would be. I think I will get to go home next week until they have a place at the blind school for me. I am really looking forward to that - home I mean.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Brace is off!!!!
Today I finally got the brace off. 4 long months! Wow. It feels good to breath normally again lol! Much easier to transfer to and from my wheelchair, and this morning in therapy, I even did a floor to chair transfer by myself! Cathy was cheering me on.
After therapy, back in the room, I practiced my braille some more. The Dr's told me I'd be released to go to the blind school next week. So, I've really been practicing hard to get this braille alphabet down. I cannot for the life of me get S and T straight! I keep thinking S is T. So, soda becomes toda and then I'm like, oh that's an S, it's soda! I thought I was doing pretty well until Cathy timed me today. I'm only reading 4 or 5 words per minute. I'm sure it will get better with time. I am working on it everyday.
While it's still very overwhelming, considering my future as a blind paraplegic, I am excited to get on with my life. I'm anxious to get to blind school and learn more of how to function independently as much as possible.
I have to be honest though. I had so wanted to be a quadriplegic, but am finding I'm ok with just being a low paraplegic, but I do so miss my sight. I don't know how I can function this way independently, but they keep promising me I'll be suprised at just how much I can do by myself. Time will tell I suppose.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Weekend at home
Friday I had a CT Scan and the Nuero came in after he read it. He said the damage to the visual cortex was much worse than he had originally suspected. Good news is that the bleeding has stopped and swelling is gone now. So he is clearing me. He said he had originally hoped I might regain some vision, but based on that scan, he offerred no hope of me ever seeing again. He said he would check with the SCI Dr., but he thought I could go home for the weekend if I wanted!!!
"If I wanted"???? Well, long story short, I got to go home for the labor day weekend. My SCI Dr said I was ok to go, but I had to wear the bigger brace. I reluctantly agreed. They wheeled me out where Cathy had pulled up to get me. With some help, I transferred into the car, and they loaded my chair and we were on our way home. I cried. Not sure why. Just the emotion of at least part of this chapter being behind me I guess. Friday night Cathy ordered pizza. That was easy enough for me to eat without making a mess. Then, we expored the house. It was pretty clumsy at first I have to admit. Even thought it is already wheelchair accessible, it is still very awkward being blind also. Cathy helped me find the bed, transfer in and then she helped me get out of my clothes. I didn't need any for sleeping that night.:) I felt so good to be home, in my own bed, with Cathy by my side. We held each other all night. She even slipped her hand inside my brace and caressed my breasts, as I did hers. We kissed and just loved each other. Oh how I have missed that these last 4 weeks.
Saturday morning was a time of real exploration. Firsts in more than one way. In the brace, I still can't shower, so I sponged off. Cathy helped with what I could not see, or feel. I brushed my teeth. I knocked over about everything on the sink I think, but I got them brushed by myself. Then, washed my face and brushed my hair. I didn't try makeup lol! Doubt I'll ever be able to do that again by myself. Cathy left me in the bathroom, and told me to come to the dining room when I finished. I kinda panicked, but then I took a deep breath, and turned my wheelchair around and rolled it toward where I thought the door was. I bumped into the wall several times, finally finding my way out. Cathy yelled down the hall asking if everything was ok in there! We both laughed. I felt and rolled my way along the wall down the hall and into the dining room. She told me how far to roll and where to reach to find the table and my place. She told me not to reach out for anything yet, and then she explained that a boll of Cherios was right in front of me, a spoon on the left, on a napkin, and a glass of orange juice to the left behind the bowl. She said, Melody, you can do this! I know you can. I smiled, and reached slowly, feeling for everything, then, picked up the spoon with my right hand, and holding the bowl with my left, I ate my cereal, stopping occasionally to get a drink. I think I really did good! Cathy said I only spilled a couple of drops of milk. She came over and kissed me and told me how proud she was of me, and how sexy I looked sitting there crippled and blind.
After breakfast, she said I sould explore the house. Find my way around, and see how every thing felt. Remember, she said, your hands are your eyes now, love. I nodded and backed up my chair. As she washed dishes, I felt my way around the house. I went to each room. Bumping into nearly every piece of furniture we have, and every wall and doorway. She often yelled to me that I had to help clean those marks off the walls and furniture. I went thru the house about 5 or 6 times. I found after a while, it was easier for me to feel my way along with my hands and "pull" myself that way than to try and roll the wheelchair where I thought I should go. Cathy said, wow, you're really doing great! I just smiled.
After she finished that, she told me I should practice my braille while she cleaned up the bathroom. I read thru the alphabet and thru the list of words I had on the practice sheets. Cathy came in while I was practicing and began puttin my finger on certain letters, asking me what it was. I do pretty well with most. I still seem to get S and T mixed up for some reason. Anyway, after I practiced Cathy told me about the mess I'd left in the bathroom. I had used about a spoonful of toothpaste, and dropped another spoonful in the sink. Then, when I finished, I had left some on my chin, and smeared even more on the wall somehow. She confired I had knocked over almost everything on the sink. We both laughed.
That afternoon, we watched a movie, well Cathy watched, I just listened. It was an amazing day. My first day at home blind and crippled.
Sunday and Monday were pretty much the same. I did better brushing my teeth tho. It felt so good feeling Cathy touch my breasts, even thought we were very restricted due to my brace. I felt Cathy's face, and body several times. I so miss seeing her gorgeous body, and those sexy, atrophied legs. I can't get enough of touching her now, feeling every curve of her body. This has been an awesome weekend, but tomorrow morning we have to go back to the hospital, but I hope this will be the last week there before I get to go to blind school.
"If I wanted"???? Well, long story short, I got to go home for the labor day weekend. My SCI Dr said I was ok to go, but I had to wear the bigger brace. I reluctantly agreed. They wheeled me out where Cathy had pulled up to get me. With some help, I transferred into the car, and they loaded my chair and we were on our way home. I cried. Not sure why. Just the emotion of at least part of this chapter being behind me I guess. Friday night Cathy ordered pizza. That was easy enough for me to eat without making a mess. Then, we expored the house. It was pretty clumsy at first I have to admit. Even thought it is already wheelchair accessible, it is still very awkward being blind also. Cathy helped me find the bed, transfer in and then she helped me get out of my clothes. I didn't need any for sleeping that night.:) I felt so good to be home, in my own bed, with Cathy by my side. We held each other all night. She even slipped her hand inside my brace and caressed my breasts, as I did hers. We kissed and just loved each other. Oh how I have missed that these last 4 weeks.
Saturday morning was a time of real exploration. Firsts in more than one way. In the brace, I still can't shower, so I sponged off. Cathy helped with what I could not see, or feel. I brushed my teeth. I knocked over about everything on the sink I think, but I got them brushed by myself. Then, washed my face and brushed my hair. I didn't try makeup lol! Doubt I'll ever be able to do that again by myself. Cathy left me in the bathroom, and told me to come to the dining room when I finished. I kinda panicked, but then I took a deep breath, and turned my wheelchair around and rolled it toward where I thought the door was. I bumped into the wall several times, finally finding my way out. Cathy yelled down the hall asking if everything was ok in there! We both laughed. I felt and rolled my way along the wall down the hall and into the dining room. She told me how far to roll and where to reach to find the table and my place. She told me not to reach out for anything yet, and then she explained that a boll of Cherios was right in front of me, a spoon on the left, on a napkin, and a glass of orange juice to the left behind the bowl. She said, Melody, you can do this! I know you can. I smiled, and reached slowly, feeling for everything, then, picked up the spoon with my right hand, and holding the bowl with my left, I ate my cereal, stopping occasionally to get a drink. I think I really did good! Cathy said I only spilled a couple of drops of milk. She came over and kissed me and told me how proud she was of me, and how sexy I looked sitting there crippled and blind.
After breakfast, she said I sould explore the house. Find my way around, and see how every thing felt. Remember, she said, your hands are your eyes now, love. I nodded and backed up my chair. As she washed dishes, I felt my way around the house. I went to each room. Bumping into nearly every piece of furniture we have, and every wall and doorway. She often yelled to me that I had to help clean those marks off the walls and furniture. I went thru the house about 5 or 6 times. I found after a while, it was easier for me to feel my way along with my hands and "pull" myself that way than to try and roll the wheelchair where I thought I should go. Cathy said, wow, you're really doing great! I just smiled.
After she finished that, she told me I should practice my braille while she cleaned up the bathroom. I read thru the alphabet and thru the list of words I had on the practice sheets. Cathy came in while I was practicing and began puttin my finger on certain letters, asking me what it was. I do pretty well with most. I still seem to get S and T mixed up for some reason. Anyway, after I practiced Cathy told me about the mess I'd left in the bathroom. I had used about a spoonful of toothpaste, and dropped another spoonful in the sink. Then, when I finished, I had left some on my chin, and smeared even more on the wall somehow. She confired I had knocked over almost everything on the sink. We both laughed.
That afternoon, we watched a movie, well Cathy watched, I just listened. It was an amazing day. My first day at home blind and crippled.
Sunday and Monday were pretty much the same. I did better brushing my teeth tho. It felt so good feeling Cathy touch my breasts, even thought we were very restricted due to my brace. I felt Cathy's face, and body several times. I so miss seeing her gorgeous body, and those sexy, atrophied legs. I can't get enough of touching her now, feeling every curve of her body. This has been an awesome weekend, but tomorrow morning we have to go back to the hospital, but I hope this will be the last week there before I get to go to blind school.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Morning therapy
Wow, they nearly killed me down there today! First, they came in and told me they were putting a "trapeze" over my bed so I could pull myself up and move aroud better. It was crazy noisy, then they had me reach up and put a bar in my hand. After some adjustments for the length of the chain, the therapist told me how to pull myself up, then slide my paralyzed legs off the side of the bed. She attached the catheter to a bag that she had strapped to my lower leg. Of course I didn't feel it, but she told me. Then, I slid my legs off the side of the bed, or whoever's legs they were lol!!!
Sharon is the therapists name. Sharon then helped me into the wheelchair and off we went to the therapy room. There, she and a helper got me out of the chair onto a mat on the floor and did my ROM exercises. They had me help as much as I could with the limited mobility my brace still imposes on me. They propped me in a sitting position and had me move my legs around. It's hard to do that when you can't feel then, and can't even see them to know where they are, but I learned to get some sense of it by using my hands and feeling with them.
Then, they laid me on my back and had me work trying to roll over. I needed a lot of help with that. Once on my side, I was able to drag my lifeless legs over and end up on my stomach. Well, with the brace, on my face lol!!!
After that, if that was not enough! They wanted me to try to transfer into the chair. Sharon had the other girl bring the wheelchair over and lock it down. She sat me up and showed me where the chair was. Then as best she could, she described what I needed to do to get myself up and in the wheelchair. You can see in the pic below. I just had to feel for everything. I was not able to make that transfer today without help.
Afterwards I was totally exhausted, yet in a way, very satisfied. I felt I had made some progress. Cathy was there cheering me all the way of course.
After that, back to the room for a nap before lunch!!! Whew! After lunch I'll have to work on my braille of course.
Sharon is the therapists name. Sharon then helped me into the wheelchair and off we went to the therapy room. There, she and a helper got me out of the chair onto a mat on the floor and did my ROM exercises. They had me help as much as I could with the limited mobility my brace still imposes on me. They propped me in a sitting position and had me move my legs around. It's hard to do that when you can't feel then, and can't even see them to know where they are, but I learned to get some sense of it by using my hands and feeling with them.
Then, they laid me on my back and had me work trying to roll over. I needed a lot of help with that. Once on my side, I was able to drag my lifeless legs over and end up on my stomach. Well, with the brace, on my face lol!!!
After that, if that was not enough! They wanted me to try to transfer into the chair. Sharon had the other girl bring the wheelchair over and lock it down. She sat me up and showed me where the chair was. Then as best she could, she described what I needed to do to get myself up and in the wheelchair. You can see in the pic below. I just had to feel for everything. I was not able to make that transfer today without help.
Afterwards I was totally exhausted, yet in a way, very satisfied. I felt I had made some progress. Cathy was there cheering me all the way of course.
After that, back to the room for a nap before lunch!!! Whew! After lunch I'll have to work on my braille of course.
My morning and a new brace!
Breakfast was another experience lol!!! Sausage was fine because I ate it with my fingers, but the egg ended up on me more than in my mouth. I didn't spill my drink today at least!
Just after breakfast, ortho brought me a new brace. It's a little smaller, at least my breasts are not covered now. There is a piece that comes up above the brace and lays just above my breasts which keeps me just as rigid as the other one had. They said just a few more weeks and I could shed the brace for good! I can't wait for that. They said I'd be doing more transfer work today and this one would give me a little more room to move.
I'll work on my braille until it's time. I am so excited to learn it now, knowing that Cathy is writing something for me!:)
Just after breakfast, ortho brought me a new brace. It's a little smaller, at least my breasts are not covered now. There is a piece that comes up above the brace and lays just above my breasts which keeps me just as rigid as the other one had. They said just a few more weeks and I could shed the brace for good! I can't wait for that. They said I'd be doing more transfer work today and this one would give me a little more room to move.
I'll work on my braille until it's time. I am so excited to learn it now, knowing that Cathy is writing something for me!:)
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