Another day

Well after dinner last night, Cathy asked if I had explored myself yet. I said no, and asked what she meant. She asked if I had felt to see what I can feel and what I can't. I felt my way down the brace, finding the end of it near the bottom of my belly. Then, touching my tummy, I felt my way down as far as my hands could reach. I had sensation to just above my clit. So close. Yet, so far away. The little thing, which I could barely reach, felt like someone else's body. Cathy explained that I need to explore and see what I have and what I don't as I can.

To be honest, it was a bittersweet moment. I realized I'd never feel anything there again. I found that very sad, yet very arousing at the same time.

Cathy went on to explain that I had a catheter in my bladder. It was just out of my reach due to the restrictions the brace impose on me. I had assumed I had one, but of course, could not see it.

Bacon and eggs for breakfast did not go well. The bacon was easy enough, once I found it on the plate, but I ended up with more of the eggs on me than in my mouth.

I was taken to therapy again, and did more transfers. They also did an assessment of my function. The thereapist took my legs, one at a time, well she told me she was holding them, and asked me to wiggle my toes, then move my ankles, extend my knees. There was no response to any of my efforts she said. Then she stretched my leg up toward my chest, with the knee bent like I was stepping up on something high. She had me feel my legs in the position, then she lowered them and asked me to lift them back up like I was stepping up on something. I had some movement in the hip to do that! But, that was it. My sensation line was then checked. It was just above my pussy in the front, and a little higher, just above my crack, as Cathy described it, in the back. I made 6 transfers today before giving out lol. Then back to the room.

Once in the room, Cathy made me work on the braille again. I have A-K down pretty good, and J,K and L. It is so difficult, but I know I have to learn it, it is my life now. Cathy said the therapist had told her they have a braille typewriter, and she said she was going to write me something on it, and I'd have to read it for her. I can't wait. I am going to get this down!!!

Lunch was a sandwich and soup. I did not even try the soup.

After lunch one of the therapist came in and explained they were gonig to start discharge planning soon. She explained that I would likely never be able to do my bowel or bladder programs independently. Cathy readily volunteered to help. The therapist said that a diaper was an alternative to managing the programs. But that would be for us to decide. I know Cathy loves diapers, but I had always wanted to wear a catheter. As it is, as a paraplegic, I should be able to do intermitent catheterization, but without my vision, I will like have to wear a foley, which is what I had wanted as a quadriplegic. I'm sure Cathy and I will have many conversations about that in the future.

I guess in some ways the shock of losing my sight is starting, starting I said, to wear off. By no means have I yet accepted this. But I know deep inside I have to face it, and I have to get thru it, somehow.

Should this continue?

Ok visitors, let me know should this blog continue or not????

Up in a wheelchair

Last night Cathy helped me a little, but I ate by myself. It was very hard not being able to see. I knocked my drink over twice. The first time, most of it spilled on my legs, but of course I couldn't feel it. I felt to helpless, even embarassed eating. I felt like I was groping for everything. It even felt difficult to find my mouth, not to mention keeping food on the fork or spoon. Not a positive experience, but one of many in the new life I now have to face. Breakfast this morning was a little better, but not much.

After breakfast, the physical thereapist came in and did range of motion exercises. She moved my legs and stretched them. Well she said she did, I felt nothing and saw nothing of course. After stretching, she got me into a wheelchair for the first time. I have no feeling in my bottom, and the large back brace covers my back, so I could not even feel the wheelchair.

Cathy wheeled hers close to me after she left and held my hand. She was very encouraging. Telling me that she would be right by my side as I learned to cope. I asked her to feel her face so I don't forget how beautiful she is, and I touched her face and traced the lines. We ended up kissing and I caressed her breasts while she kissed my neck. It was amazing.

Then lunch came. Time for another meal. It was a hamburger, so I hoped it would be easier to eat than a plate lunch. Cathy put the mustard on the burger for me, but made me pour my drink and do the rest alone. I fumbled around and found a can and a cup of ice. Then I opened the can, and placed my finger in the cup and started pouring slow (at least I think it was slow) until I felt the liquid on my finger. That was my indication the cup was getting full. Then I sat those aside, which is a task in itself. Seems everywhere I went to set something, it was on something else and wanting to tip over. Finally, I found some space for them. Then I go the burger. Finding it was the hard part. Once I did and kinda oriented it. Eating it was not so bad. Tho the first few times, it still felt like I was searching for my mouth.

After lunch and a short nap, I was put back in the wheelchair and taken to physical therapy. There, they had me work on using the chair, just rolling it, moving it around a little. Then she explained how I had to move from the chair to a table they had there. She called it transferring. She said as an L2/3 I would be completely independent as far as the mobility went using a chair. She said after I went to the blind school, I would be suprised how easily I'd be able to get around. I worked on sliding my numb bottom from the chair to the table and back while she held my shoulders to help me balance. She promised it would be easier when the brace comes off. Cathy agreed. Three transfers wiped me out, so I was taken back to my room where I slept the rest of the afternoon, but not until after Cathy made me practice my braille alphabet again. I feel somewhat confident about A-J now, which is also 1-9 and 0. How to rest.

After lunch

Well Cathy came back and fed me lunch, but she made it clear that was the last meal she would feed me. She said I have to learn to do this myself. I know she's right. After I ate, she has been helping me with my braille. OMG I don't know if I can do this! It is so hard. I'm trying to get A-J Basically, that's it. If I can learn those, they are also numbers 1-0, and K-T, and then U-Z, except W has a special character. OMG how am I ever going live like this.

Cathy is taking my hand and placing my finger on a letter, making me feel it, then telling me what it is. One small bump, A, two - one under the other, B, two beside each other, C.

I was so going to enjoy being in the wheelchair, seeing myself in the mirror wheeling around. Seeing my atrophied legs, and I was hoping hands as well. I would never have done this had I ever thought I would lose my sight! Now I've lost my sight and the use of my legs. Cathy has touched me and helped me touch myself when I was sitting up in the bed and could, but I felt nothing. I had been excited about seeing that, but now I can't even see it.

I hate sitting up. I have no feeling in my bottom, or my legs, and being unable to see, I feel like I'm going to fall over when I sit up. Of course the hard brace I'm in keeps my body stiff and upright, but it also inhibits the sensations. I keep pushing on the chair arms until my arms tire. What am I going to do!

braille

After breakfast, Cathy had to leave, so, not wanted to be alone, I slept until the therapist came in a woke me. Of course I was startled. Everything startles me now it seems. Anyway, she brought me a board with bumps on it. She said it was a braille alphabet board. I can feel the bumps, but it means nothing. She spent about 20 min's giving me an explaination of the board and what all of it means. Of course, I have to learn what if feels like now. That's the hard part. I don't know how I'm ever going to learn this. I cry myself to sleep again after she leaves.

Feeling the reality

Today is the first day I have really be awake. They've taken me off the IV pain meds. This morning they took out the feeding tube that was in my nose. Cathy fed me some oatmeal.

Cathy has been right by my side almost every waking hour. I "feel" ok, not hurting, but I am so scared. When she is not holding my hand, I feel like I'm falling or something. Anytime she has to leave, it's like the darkness closes in on me. I almost can't breath sometimes. I just lay here in the bed and cry myself to sleep. I was so looking forward to life in a wheelchair, but had never thought of life in the dark.

The therapist said they want me to start learning braille, and later today they are suppose to bring me a braille alphabet board.

How am I ever going to live this way.

What have I done.

hospital

Well my first couple of waking days in the hospital were hard. So hard to come to grips with the reality of being both blind and a paraplegic. I keep thinking, hoping, praying I'll wake up to find it's not true. I can feel some kind of brace I'm wearing, but that's all of course. Cathy says it runs from my hips up. She says they have sleeves on my legs to prevent blood clots, and a catheter in me for, well you know for what.
Cathy has been by my side every moment. When she's away, I feel so scared. I'm scared all the time now, but it is bearable when she is by my side. Without her I am lost. She asked me if being blind was like seeing everything black, but I can't really say it is. It's more like trying to see out the back of your head. I can't describe it better than that.
A social worker stopped by today and explained that I would have a lot of rehab ahead. She said I would need to go to a blind school for a while, but before that, I would have to learn to get myself in and out of my wheelchair.
OMG I can't believe this is happening, DID happen. I have wanted to be in a wheelchair since shortly after meeting Cathy, but blind was never in my cards. What have I done!

Awakening to a new reality

I start to awake slowly. I hear people talking around me. I hear Cathy's voice. Trying to open my eyes. I moan. Cathy takes my hand. "I'm right here baby", she says. "Cathy", I manage to whisper, "what ha...". "Baby I'm right here" she says, "but I need to tell you something". "wha...", I whisper. "Baby, you're in the hospital, but sweetie, I'm afraid things didn't go as planned". She continues, "baby, you fell backwards and landed on the pool deck. You didn't break your neck like we had planned. Mel, baby, you broke your back at L2/3, and it's complete. So you are a paraplegic. But baby, there is something else I need to tell you". I'm struggling to open my eyes. Can't get them to open. "Baby", Cathy says with a tone of great concern, "you also hit your head and suffered a pretty bad head injury. Baby, I don't know how to tell you this, but the Dr. says you'll never be able to see again baby. You're blind".
"You're blind". I realize my eyes are open. I grope for my face. Feel my eyes. I begin to cry. "Cathy", I cry softly, "what have I done" "It's ok baby", she reassures me, "I am going to be right by your side. You're going to get thru this just fine". Her words do not offer me the comfort she intends as I feel the brace on my body and my numb hips. My mind is reeling with the impact of the reality I now face. Bind and unable to walk. I cry myself to sleep with Cathy holding my hand and trying to comfort me.

Final Decision

I've known Cathy for more than 5 years now. We've sinc moved into our own apartment. We live and love together. We are best friends.
It was fall when Cathy and I first discussed me becoming a quadriplegic. We talked about it in great detail several times throught the winter and up into the spring months. Finally, I told her I had made my decision. I wanted to go forward with it. She agreed to help me anyway she could, so we waited for warmer weather for her parents to have the pool to be ready for summer.
We set Memorial Day weekend as the date. We were going to be at their place alone Saturday, 5/28/11. That was to be the day we'd do a trial run. Practicing her getting me out of water, or at least above it. We arrived and had lunch with her parents. They then excused themselves to go to a work function that evening. Cathy and I go into our bathing suits and headed for the pool.
Once in, we swam around and talked and waited for them to leave. As soon as they were gone, Cathy go in the shallow end with a ring on to help her float, and I sat on the side of the pool nearby. When the time was right, I just fell into the water and let myself sink, as if I were paralyzed and waited for Cathy to reach me and pull my head above water. She was right on it! Had my head up almost before I knew I was wet! We went thru the practice routine several times. Cathy had no trouble getting my head above water.
I got out and sat on the side of the pool. "Cathy", I said, "it's time". She was not so confident, and wanted to practice more, but I insisted. I said, "please Cathy, you know how much I want this". Finally, she gave in.
"Your dad has a ladder doesn't he?", I asked. She said yes, and asked me why. I explained that I wanted to be sure I had the best chance for a complete break. I wanted to dive in from the top of the ladder. Cathy was unsure, but finally agreed and told me where she thought he kept it. It was right where she said and I set it up sideways right on the edge of the pool.
There was one more thing I wanted to do before I became disabled. I knew I'd never feel anything below my injury level and that would mean sexually also. I wanted to the last thing I felt to be an orgasm. Cathy got out and helped me with that also:) There by the pool, she used her tongue, a dildo and a vibrator on me until I was about to explode. Then she said,"how's that baby?". "Fine", I said, "you get back in the pool and I'll finish this off myself". I was trembling, on the brink of an explposive and final orgasm. With my bikini slipped to the side, I worked the vibrator until I could barely walk. Then, trembling and still working it I climbed the ladder. Once on top, I balanced myself tenuously on that narrow top step. You know the one that says "NOT A STEP" lol. Anyway, I gave myself one final push with the vibrator, locking it on my clit until I felt it cumming. I turned to face the pool, my body tensed as the climax washed over me. I saw the world turn upside down, then, as I felt myself squirt, everything went black.

Accepted

We discussed at great length my attraction to her, her wheelchair and other disabled girls. I am not sure when it began, but I realized I had felt that way for a long long time. Now, getting to know Cathy, and being so close to her, learning about what she had to deal with and how she did it, only enhanced those feelings. And, yes, in fact, even developed those into feelings of wanting to experience that myself.
Cathy let me start using her extra wheelchair more and more often. I was in it all the time when I was at her house. Most times when we went out I'd use it.
As we discussed my feelings about quadriplegics, Cathy had an idea! Her parents were going out of town for a week, and she wanted me to stay with her. Of course, I stayed with her often but this was to be different she said. This time, I'd be a low quadriplegic! My heart lept!
The week was simiply amazing. She and I made utensil cuffs from cardboard and tape. They weren't the greatest thing in the world, but they worked. Cathy did not use a catheter often. She prefers to simply wear a diaper, but she has catheters and does occasionally wear them. She let me use one that week. I spent the entire week in the chair. Didn't walk one single time! Used the utensil cuffs for everything from brushing my teeth and hair, to eating and writing. Being a "new quad", cathy had to empty my leg bag. OMG that was THE MOST AMAZING WEEK!!!!
When the week was over and it was time to return to the real world, the AB world, I found it awkward walking. It was like I had to concentrate to do it. Also, using my fingers was the same way. It was almost as if I'd become accustom to using my fists and palms in that short week. I could not imagine how it would feel to go longer. I started studying videos of quadriplegics. Here are just a few of my very favorites.



I talked about that with Cathy at length over the next several months. She was very helpful, offering me her thoughts, feelings and experiences.
Finally, I decided I had to approach this with her. I told her I had something to talk to her about and I hoped she would not be upset or angry with me. She was curious. I said, "Cathy, you have been such an awesome influence in my life. I want to be like you". She just smiled. I thought you were heading down that road. She asked if I had something in mind. I explained to her that I had thought maybe a dive into the shallow end of her parents pool. I want to be a quad for sure I said. "Mel, you know there are no guarantees with anything like that. What if something goes wrong and you end up on a vent", she paused, "or worse". Cathy did tell me she'd had feelings like that herself. She said she often thought perhaps she'd enjoy having her legs amputated just below her knees. Not having feet, only stumps. We talked for a long time about this and the ramifications. Finally, I said, "Cathy, if you think you can pull me up and keep me from drowning, I think we can do this."
Cathy said she'd think about it and made me promise to do the same. "Mel", she said, "I will do anything I can to help you be happy, but just be sure you think this thru". I agreed, and we left it at that.

Exposed

Over the next several weeks, Cathy helped me understand a lot about her disability. She had a spinal cord injury, and had no hope of ever walking again. I found that very sad, but it seemed nothing to her. She handled herself so elegantly, in the chair or out. She had just learned to drive and her car was equipped with hand controls.
We began visiting each other's homes as often as possible. Taking full advantage of every private moment. It was a little awkward at first. I didn't know how to "love" her at first since she had no sensation below her breasts. I mostly fondled and sucked those, but Cathy encouraged me to treat her like I would anyone. In fact, she told me how she was turned on by seeing things in her that she could not feel. I began using toys on her while I worked on her nipples, neck and mouth.
She provided oral pleasure to me and was amazing. We quickly became addicted to each other.
I became turned on by her limp legs. They were so skinny and lifeless. Her little feet just flopped when she or I moved her legs. They had no muscle tone at all. When she sat in her wheelchair I was so turned on by the way her thighs sagged between the knee and hip. I get wet just thinking of that even now as I dictate this.
Cathy confessed to me that she even enjoyed being "crippled" as she liked to call it. She said she is thankful her accident happened and that she loves who she is now and her body even more than she did before.
As time went on, I began having feelings I didn't quite understand. I began to almost envy Cathy in her wheelchair and braces. I loved kissing her and feeling the braces, even kissing her, or trying with the headgear on her. I can't explain why, but I just thought it made her even more attractive. Well the braces were one thing, but I found the wheelchair a total turnon, and even began wishing I was in one. I still don't understand it. I learned about Cathy's injury, her disability, if you could even call it that, and became a student of spinal cord injuries. I found them fascinating.
When I was at her house, I'd often sit in her other chair while we surfed the web or listened to music. Sometimes I'd sit in the chair and she'd sit on the couch like I was the disabled one. Once we even took her extra chair to the mall and both of us tooled around in wheelchairs. It was an amazing day!
One day we were reading some stuff online and found a website about people who were attracted to disabled people, and even those who wanted to be disabled. I'm sure my face turned red. Cathy began laughing and said, "you're a devotee...hahahaha". I said, "what are you talking about". She explained a devotee was someone who was attracted to a disabled person. Then, there must have been something in the way I looked at her. She said, "omg, no you're not, you're a wannabe!!!!.....you're a wannabe!!!!!".
I knew she was right. But, how would she feel about that, would it hurt her, scare her? What would happen now.

A little background

My name is Melody. Most of my freinds just call me Mel. I've always had a thing for other girls, but it wasn't until high school that I was able to begin to realize and express those desires. I'd gone out with a few guys, and girls, but it was clear to me that another girl was my future. One day I was at the mall accross town with some friends. That's where I met Cathy. We were sitting in the food court eating when she and a friend came up to the next table. There was a glass wall beside both of our tables and she was sitting facing me in the table, behind one of my friends. I kept looking at her reflection. She had beautiful red hair about shoulder length, amazing eyes, and the most sensual lips I have ever seen in my life. In addition, she had braces and what I would later learn is called "headgear", a metal contraption that connects to braces and comes out of the mouth and is attached to an elastic band around the head. Cathy had caught my attention completely! Oh, did I mention she was also in a wheelchair? I was sure I was in love. But I didn't now this girl, and I was waaaaaaay to shy to just march over and introduce myself. We finished eating before they did and as we left, I made an excuse to go by her table. I didn't want to leave that place! I managed to keep the group "close" to her as we toured the mall that afternoon. Then, when I saw she was headed out, I excused myself and follwed her out. I watched as she made her way to her car which was parked in the first handicapped spot right beside the mall. She opened the door, placed her legs in the car, then she wiggled her bottom up on the front of her chair, then reached for the seat with one hand and top of the car with the other. Finally, she lifted and moved herself into the car. Then cathy reached out and got hold of her chair, one hand thru her head rest to hold her body upright. Then she tried to get the chair into the back seat. She struggled and struggled as I watched. You can see the video of her below.

Then it hit me and I ran over to the car and said, "can I help you get that in?" Cathy said, "no", and indicated she could get it herself. I asked again and took the chair myself and started trying to help. Cathy said, "I really need the practice", but I had already gotten it in the back seat and she said a quiet "thank you", then drove away. After she left, I realized I probably should have let her do it. That really made me feel bad. The next week, she was there to! My heart raced. When our eyes caught each other, I approached her and apologized for not listening to what she had said. She just smiled and introduced herself and said, "I guess you'll just have to buy me lunch to make up for it". My heart lept! Well that was the beginning. We ran around the mall together the rest of that day, then exchanged numbers and promised we'd be in touch. We were both 16 at the time, so we had to meet our parents for rides home, and said our goodbye's. Then, I just stood there as she rolled away. I couldn't take my eyes off her. I called her the very next day. I could not get her off my mind. Over the next week, we talked almost every night on the phone, and met at the mall the very next Saturday. When we sat down for lunch, I got up the nerve to ask her about the wheelchair. Cathy explained to me how when she was just nine years old she'd been playing, running up and down stairs to the basement. When she started back down to the basement, she'd caught her foot on something and tripped and fallen down the stairs. She was knocked unconscious, but when she came to, she couldn't get up. It was then she realized she could not feel her legs. Cathy pointed right under her small, girlish breasts and told me she could not feel anything below that. She was, well is completely paralyzed below her sternum. Cathy has no, what she calls, trunk function, meaning...she cannot just sit upright without support. Her abdominal muscles and lower back muscles don't work. She talked about it as if it were a hair cut. She didn't even seem to care. She handled it all so effortlessly it seemed. Over the next few weeks, she helped me understand more and more about her injury.