A year in reflection

Wow it's been more than a year now since my accident. I think if I had managed to only paralyze myself this would not be so bad. In fact, I think I truly would be enjoying the wheelchair. The loss of my sigh however has added so much complexity that I can't begin to explain it. I've learned to get around in the house in my chair, but I can't go anywhere alone. Cathy and I were out once and she saw a young girl using a cane coming up out of the subway and heading down the street by herself. I know that can never be me. I love feeling my legs and not being able to feel that, even my pussy being numb, but I so wish I could see them. I wish I could see how I look in this chair, and I miss seeing Cathy so badly. In the house we had to arrange the furniture in groups so that I have clear paths with nothing that could be knocked over exposed lol! I tried to feel my way along the walls, use the tables and sofa's as I feel my way thru the house. I tried using a cane in my chair, but it is just so awkward having to push with both hands. Finally the therapists helped me with a chair set up for hemiplegics. I has two push rims on the left side, one slightly smaller than the other. I'm able to grip both with my hand and propell my chair using only my left hand, and then use my cane with my right hand to feel my way around. OMG I could never have imagined how hard this would be. Over this year, I've learned to read braille pretty well. I now read about 20 words per min, sometimes more. I have learned to cath myself, but still need help cleaning myself after the bowell program. That's so fun! All in all, I'm probably about as independent as I'll ever be. I've had zero return in my vision or my legs. I am so thankful now that I did not lose the use and feeling in my hands. If I had, I'd be in a nursing home for sure! I've learned to eat, brush my teeth and hair, wash myself and even prepare some simple meals. Our food is mostly marked with braille stickers now so I know what it is by feel. Well Cathy has been amazing. I don't think she ever imagined this scenario either or how much demand it would put on her. We both figured I'd be in a chair, and that was that. She's been a trooper though and I could not have made it without her love and support. So.....tonight while she's out, I'm going to prepare a meal for her and suprise her with her favorite wine! I roll into the kitchen, fold my cane and place it in the bag on the back of my chair. I then feel my way along the countertop to the cabinet where the box of pasta and jar of sauce are that I need to get started, and set those on the countertop. Feeling along the countertop, I find the cooktop and feel in the cabinet under it for a large pot. I place the large pot on my lap and head toward the sink. Then I hear a loud clank and reach down feeling that the pot has falled off my lap. I get my cane out and feel along the floor until I find the pot, then roll over, put away the cane and reach down and grope until I find the pot with my hand, then place it back on the countertop and move it as I roll along using the countertop as a guide. Finally I come to the sink and fill the pot with water, then lift it and set it back on the counter and slide it back to the cooktop. Finally! I get it on the burner and turn the eye on to get it boiling. My hearing has become more sensitive in the past year to compensate for my sight. I get the pasta box and open it and move back toward the cooktop. As I hear the water begin to boil, I carefully drop the pasta into the pot. Being very careful not to touch the pot. I can hear that some of it falls on the cooktop, but I do the best I can. Next, I set a timer that we have with braille markers on it and wait for it to boil 15 minuites. Then I turn off the heat and let it sit to cool before I can move it. I've found as I cook hot things, I cannot deal with them when they are hot. Simply too risky as I often drop things either on myself or the floor. I get a collinder from the cabinet and place it in the sink. I find hear the clock chime and know Cathy will be home soon. Dragging the large pot accross the countertop again I strain the pasta and rinse it, and leave it to drain while I get a bowl to put it in. I hear Cathy's car pull in, so I go to meet her at the door so she doesn't come in and spoil the suprise. When she comes in, we kiss and exchange greetings. She says she wants to freshen up and get into something more comfortable. I encourage that but tell her to stay out of the kitchen, I have a suprise. While she's changing, I get the past in the bowl and pour the sauce on it and mix it up well. I put some for each of us in a bowl and stick them in the microwave to warm. Our microwave has braille stickers on it, so I can program it to heat up the servings. When they finish, I get a couple of dish towels and lay them on my lap and set one bowl at a time on them, then pull out my cane and find my way to the dining room. As I leave the last bowl Cathy come into the dining room. Well, what's this she say? What has my little blind crippled maid done for me today! We both laugh I tell her to just sit tight I have one more thing I want to get. She says OK, and I hear her as she moves toward the table. I head back to the kitchen tapping along the wall and thru the doorway. Then I remember the wine glasses are in one of the upper cabinets! Damn it! I can do this I say. Finding my way near the cabinet where they are located, I feel the counter top, making sure it's clear. Then, I strain and strain lifting my lifelell butt as I try to make my way up onto the countertop. My head hits the upper cabinet, making it hard to get leverage. Finally, to my suprise, I am able to get my numb butt onto the countertop. I feel the upper cabinet and find the glass I need and sit them on the counter. Now the hard part. I had not though How hard it would be to get back down from here. I could feel the counter with my hands coming up, but I won't be able to fee the chair as I go down. I think if calling for Cathy's help, but am determined to do this myself. Cahty calls from the dining room. Do you need some help? No I say and lean over feeling for my chair. I find it, and position myself as best I can to where I think I need to be to get down in it. Then the fun begins. I try to twist around and let myself down, but as I do I slip. Cathy hears glass breaking and me crashing to the floor and she quickly comes in. I feel liquid on the floor, obviously I've spilled something. Embarassed as I try to sit myself up Cathy gasps and says baby, don't move! Lay still! I can tell there is panic in her voice. I'm fine I say, I just knocked something off the counter and spilled something. But she instists. Baby, she says, you've hurt your legs badly, I'm calling 911.

Another week at blind school

Mobility and orientation training has continued for the past two weeks. It is getting better, but this is the hardest thing I've ever tried to do in my life. We've tried several different approaches. First, I used my wheelchair, and felt my way along with my elbows or hands on the wall. Then, we tried me using a power chair and a cane to feel my way along. With the power chair, I also used a guide some. The therapist walked along beside the chair and I held onto her arm. She explained this can also be done with a guide dog. I have to say using the power chair with the guide was the easiest, but I don't want to be stuck using a power chair! As we talked thru that delima, she said she had another idea. Next week, she's having a manual chair brought in for me to try that has two push rims on the same side. That way I can push the chair using my right arm for example, and hold the guides arm or cane in the left hand. I'm anxious to see about that. For now, the manual chair and feeling my way along seems to be the most likely outcome for me.
Braille has continued as well, and I continue to make strides there. My reading is improving and I feel pretty good about the alphabet and other things on the braille charts. I am reading much better, though still not quick at all. And, I still stumble through some of the words and phrases. In many ways it's like being a child all over again. Having to learn to read and do everything for myself, well, everything that I can do for myself.
I also get physical therapy 3 days a week. Stretching, mostly, but also some time in a standing frame which is nice in a way, even though I cannot see anything or anyone, it is nice to speak face to face with them, rather than always being below the person I'm talking to.
Yesterday afternoon we started something else new. The therapist took me to the computer room and introduced me to screen readers. These are programs that read out loud whatever is on the screen. That way, the blind person can hear the screen. There are certain commands that have to be remembered to navigate. For example, CTRL V on one of them took you to the internet address bar so you could type in a new web address. I can see how this will be a huge benefit once I learn to use it, but it's just one more thing I have to learn and memorize. My mind is already so full!!!
Being a blind paraplegic is so much harder than I could ever have imagined. And those of you who've followed my story know that I have only myself to blame for this situation. Now there is nothing I can do about it. Doctors have repeatedly told me both the blindness and paralysis are permanent, there is no hope of recovery.
This weekend I get to go home again. I am looking forward to that so much. I am learning a lot here, and I have to learn it, but sometimes I just need a break.

Blind School

Well this morning was my first morning at the blind school. We went last week for orientation and information. Cathy dropped me off here yesterday. I'll be here Monday thru Friday for 6 weeks learning to deal with my blindness.
This morning the counselor explained how much more complicated it was for me since I am in the chair. The two disabilities together make this a very difficult task, but she assured me I can do much more than I imagine. Though she cautioned me to understand that because I was both blind and paralyzed, I'd be somewhat dependent on others for the rest of my life.
The first part of my training is mobility and orientation training. They had me in a gym setting in my wheelchair, learning to get around in it. She discussed the many options we would explore, but said today would be a couple of very simple techniques. First, I was put beside a wall, and wheeled along the wall. I tried this, using both hands on the rims, and bumping the wall with my elbow as a feeler, as well as using one hand on the rim, and the other on the wall. It is very difficult to determine where I am in relation to anything else around me. After several trips up and down the wall, I was taken to an area where there were turns into other halls and worked up and down those halls as well. Next, the counselor explained that we were going to work on a technique called a trailing technique. She explained that is what you see when you see the blind person holding someone's arm. She had me grasp her arm with one hand and wheel with the other to keep pace as she walked and pulled the side I was holding. She also discussed that we might look at a wheelchair with both rims on one side. I have never heard of anything like that, but it could be a good idea in my case, freeing up one hand to feel where I am.
After a couple hours of that therapy, I was taken to my room to rest a little, then to the lunch room for lunch. I felt very embarassed struggling to eat, but then realized most everyone around me was not seeing my struggles. I got a lot on me, but I am doing pretty well all things considered.
This afternoon, a braille teacher came by and quizzed me on my braille, and began the next phase of my learning that. I now have 3 full lines of braille down, and she began showing me some words and combinations that I have to learn to really be proficient with it. And, I need to be proficient, knowing I will never see again.
Sometimes, I regret so badly what has happened to me. Loss of my sight and use of my legs. I had so dreamt of using a wheelchair and being a quadriplegic, now I am definintely using a wheelchair but in such a much harder way in many ways. Sometimes I just don't know if I can do this!

My First Outing as a Blind Paraplegic

Well this weekend was my first official outing as a blind paraplegic. Cathy helped me dress. She picked out everything of course. She told me what she was selecting, but of course I couldn't see it. Then, she helped me dress in my skirt and blouse for an outdoor wedding. Fortunately, it was a beautiful and warm saturday for our friend Emma who was getting married. The sun felt so warm on my skin. The breeze was cool off the nearby lake, but everything felt and smelled so good. Severl friends who had not seen me since my accident of course had to stop by and catch up. Cathy kept an eye on my leg bag and had to empty that a couple of times for me. Then, Cathy helped me wheel up one of the outside isles and take a position on the end. It really didn't matter where we sat for my part. I would not be able to see the festivities anyway. Once we were seated the music started. Cathy told me who was coming in, what the dresses and flowers looked like. How handsome the guys were. She even said a couple of them were giving me the eye. I'm sure she was just being nice. Finally, the bridal march began. I could hear everyone standing, well, except for Cathy and myself. Cathy did roll away briefly to get a better view. I just sat there in the darkness listening. A gently breeze picked up just as she must have started down the isle. I heard a little girl ask her mother what that was, and I figured it was me she was asking about but I had no way of knowing.
When Cathy returned to her place beside me, I found out what the little girl had been asking about. "You little slut you", Cathy said. What? I replied. Your skirt is up above your waist. You are trying to seduce someone aren't you, she laughed. I know I tured four shades of red. She explained that the wind must have blown my skirt up. With no feeling down there, of course I didn't feel it, and being completely blind, I had no way of knowing I had exposed my pussy and the catheter tube coming of it as well as my leg bag. Cathy assured me she had everything covered back up. I was mortified. I could not wait to get out of there that evening. After the reception dinner and a few dances we left. I cried all the way home. Cathy tried to reassure me it was ok, there was nothing I could have done. I knew she was right. There was nothing I could have done, nor will there ever be. I will be dependent on others for so many things for the rest of my life.

Morning of experimenting

Well I had a lot of time to myself today after my physical thereapy session. I have been studying my grade one braille pretty intensly! I am getting this slowly but surely. But today, I had time to myself, so when I was alone, I began feeling of myself. Well, feeling my pussy. I first felt the lips. It was like feeling someone else. I had no response to the touch myself. I gently massaged them, but nothing. They are totally numb, dead to me. Then, I felt inside. I found where the catheter I'm wearing enters my pee hole. I put my fingers deep inside me. Nothing. Oh I was still able to work up some moisture, but felt nothing. It's kinda depressing in a way, but arousing in another way. It's like I'm feeling Cathy's pussy, which of course, has been dead for years now. Finally, I felt my clit, and began massging it, gently at first, then faster and firmer. I should have been shaking all over, but felt absolutely nothing. OMG It's arousing in such a different way. I had done all I could to masturubate with no response from my body at all.
Then, I felt my nipples...they felt like rocks!!! I thought they were going to explode!
As I began massaging them and trying to get some release of some sort, I heard footsteps and the door slam shut. I jumped of course! Scared to death. I began saying "who's there, who is it". Then I grabbed the call button and rang for the nurse. When she came in, no one was in the room. I told her that someone had been in my room and had run out and slammed the door. She had not seen anyone, but promised to keep an eye on my room.
Crippled and blind, trying to get some pleasure, now I can't ever be sure I have privacy!

Quick update

I'm still in the hospital. Getting physically stronger everyday. And, working hard on the braille. I have the numbers and alphabet down pretty well. Still get some letters mixed up by feel. In my mind, I can see them all correctly, but I'm still working on the feel. I have to take a pain medicine and a medicine for my bladder on a daily basis now. I've been working on identifying those by feel this week. I can tell I'm getting better at things. I just never imagined how hard it would be. I think I will get to go home next week until they have a place at the blind school for me. I am really looking forward to that - home I mean.

Brace is off!!!!

Today I finally got the brace off. 4 long months! Wow. It feels good to breath normally again lol! Much easier to transfer to and from my wheelchair, and this morning in therapy, I even did a floor to chair transfer by myself! Cathy was cheering me on.

After therapy, back in the room, I practiced my braille some more. The Dr's told me I'd be released to go to the blind school next week. So, I've really been practicing hard to get this braille alphabet down. I cannot for the life of me get S and T straight! I keep thinking S is T. So, soda becomes toda and then I'm like, oh that's an S, it's soda! I thought I was doing pretty well until Cathy timed me today. I'm only reading 4 or 5 words per minute. I'm sure it will get better with time. I am working on it everyday.

While it's still very overwhelming, considering my future as a blind paraplegic, I am excited to get on with my life. I'm anxious to get to blind school and learn more of how to function independently as much as possible.

I have to be honest though. I had so wanted to be a quadriplegic, but am finding I'm ok with just being a low paraplegic, but I do so miss my sight. I don't know how I can function this way independently, but they keep promising me I'll be suprised at just how much I can do by myself. Time will tell I suppose.