Another week at blind school

Mobility and orientation training has continued for the past two weeks. It is getting better, but this is the hardest thing I've ever tried to do in my life. We've tried several different approaches. First, I used my wheelchair, and felt my way along with my elbows or hands on the wall. Then, we tried me using a power chair and a cane to feel my way along. With the power chair, I also used a guide some. The therapist walked along beside the chair and I held onto her arm. She explained this can also be done with a guide dog. I have to say using the power chair with the guide was the easiest, but I don't want to be stuck using a power chair! As we talked thru that delima, she said she had another idea. Next week, she's having a manual chair brought in for me to try that has two push rims on the same side. That way I can push the chair using my right arm for example, and hold the guides arm or cane in the left hand. I'm anxious to see about that. For now, the manual chair and feeling my way along seems to be the most likely outcome for me.
Braille has continued as well, and I continue to make strides there. My reading is improving and I feel pretty good about the alphabet and other things on the braille charts. I am reading much better, though still not quick at all. And, I still stumble through some of the words and phrases. In many ways it's like being a child all over again. Having to learn to read and do everything for myself, well, everything that I can do for myself.
I also get physical therapy 3 days a week. Stretching, mostly, but also some time in a standing frame which is nice in a way, even though I cannot see anything or anyone, it is nice to speak face to face with them, rather than always being below the person I'm talking to.
Yesterday afternoon we started something else new. The therapist took me to the computer room and introduced me to screen readers. These are programs that read out loud whatever is on the screen. That way, the blind person can hear the screen. There are certain commands that have to be remembered to navigate. For example, CTRL V on one of them took you to the internet address bar so you could type in a new web address. I can see how this will be a huge benefit once I learn to use it, but it's just one more thing I have to learn and memorize. My mind is already so full!!!
Being a blind paraplegic is so much harder than I could ever have imagined. And those of you who've followed my story know that I have only myself to blame for this situation. Now there is nothing I can do about it. Doctors have repeatedly told me both the blindness and paralysis are permanent, there is no hope of recovery.
This weekend I get to go home again. I am looking forward to that so much. I am learning a lot here, and I have to learn it, but sometimes I just need a break.

Blind School

Well this morning was my first morning at the blind school. We went last week for orientation and information. Cathy dropped me off here yesterday. I'll be here Monday thru Friday for 6 weeks learning to deal with my blindness.
This morning the counselor explained how much more complicated it was for me since I am in the chair. The two disabilities together make this a very difficult task, but she assured me I can do much more than I imagine. Though she cautioned me to understand that because I was both blind and paralyzed, I'd be somewhat dependent on others for the rest of my life.
The first part of my training is mobility and orientation training. They had me in a gym setting in my wheelchair, learning to get around in it. She discussed the many options we would explore, but said today would be a couple of very simple techniques. First, I was put beside a wall, and wheeled along the wall. I tried this, using both hands on the rims, and bumping the wall with my elbow as a feeler, as well as using one hand on the rim, and the other on the wall. It is very difficult to determine where I am in relation to anything else around me. After several trips up and down the wall, I was taken to an area where there were turns into other halls and worked up and down those halls as well. Next, the counselor explained that we were going to work on a technique called a trailing technique. She explained that is what you see when you see the blind person holding someone's arm. She had me grasp her arm with one hand and wheel with the other to keep pace as she walked and pulled the side I was holding. She also discussed that we might look at a wheelchair with both rims on one side. I have never heard of anything like that, but it could be a good idea in my case, freeing up one hand to feel where I am.
After a couple hours of that therapy, I was taken to my room to rest a little, then to the lunch room for lunch. I felt very embarassed struggling to eat, but then realized most everyone around me was not seeing my struggles. I got a lot on me, but I am doing pretty well all things considered.
This afternoon, a braille teacher came by and quizzed me on my braille, and began the next phase of my learning that. I now have 3 full lines of braille down, and she began showing me some words and combinations that I have to learn to really be proficient with it. And, I need to be proficient, knowing I will never see again.
Sometimes, I regret so badly what has happened to me. Loss of my sight and use of my legs. I had so dreamt of using a wheelchair and being a quadriplegic, now I am definintely using a wheelchair but in such a much harder way in many ways. Sometimes I just don't know if I can do this!

My First Outing as a Blind Paraplegic

Well this weekend was my first official outing as a blind paraplegic. Cathy helped me dress. She picked out everything of course. She told me what she was selecting, but of course I couldn't see it. Then, she helped me dress in my skirt and blouse for an outdoor wedding. Fortunately, it was a beautiful and warm saturday for our friend Emma who was getting married. The sun felt so warm on my skin. The breeze was cool off the nearby lake, but everything felt and smelled so good. Severl friends who had not seen me since my accident of course had to stop by and catch up. Cathy kept an eye on my leg bag and had to empty that a couple of times for me. Then, Cathy helped me wheel up one of the outside isles and take a position on the end. It really didn't matter where we sat for my part. I would not be able to see the festivities anyway. Once we were seated the music started. Cathy told me who was coming in, what the dresses and flowers looked like. How handsome the guys were. She even said a couple of them were giving me the eye. I'm sure she was just being nice. Finally, the bridal march began. I could hear everyone standing, well, except for Cathy and myself. Cathy did roll away briefly to get a better view. I just sat there in the darkness listening. A gently breeze picked up just as she must have started down the isle. I heard a little girl ask her mother what that was, and I figured it was me she was asking about but I had no way of knowing.
When Cathy returned to her place beside me, I found out what the little girl had been asking about. "You little slut you", Cathy said. What? I replied. Your skirt is up above your waist. You are trying to seduce someone aren't you, she laughed. I know I tured four shades of red. She explained that the wind must have blown my skirt up. With no feeling down there, of course I didn't feel it, and being completely blind, I had no way of knowing I had exposed my pussy and the catheter tube coming of it as well as my leg bag. Cathy assured me she had everything covered back up. I was mortified. I could not wait to get out of there that evening. After the reception dinner and a few dances we left. I cried all the way home. Cathy tried to reassure me it was ok, there was nothing I could have done. I knew she was right. There was nothing I could have done, nor will there ever be. I will be dependent on others for so many things for the rest of my life.

Morning of experimenting

Well I had a lot of time to myself today after my physical thereapy session. I have been studying my grade one braille pretty intensly! I am getting this slowly but surely. But today, I had time to myself, so when I was alone, I began feeling of myself. Well, feeling my pussy. I first felt the lips. It was like feeling someone else. I had no response to the touch myself. I gently massaged them, but nothing. They are totally numb, dead to me. Then, I felt inside. I found where the catheter I'm wearing enters my pee hole. I put my fingers deep inside me. Nothing. Oh I was still able to work up some moisture, but felt nothing. It's kinda depressing in a way, but arousing in another way. It's like I'm feeling Cathy's pussy, which of course, has been dead for years now. Finally, I felt my clit, and began massging it, gently at first, then faster and firmer. I should have been shaking all over, but felt absolutely nothing. OMG It's arousing in such a different way. I had done all I could to masturubate with no response from my body at all.
Then, I felt my nipples...they felt like rocks!!! I thought they were going to explode!
As I began massaging them and trying to get some release of some sort, I heard footsteps and the door slam shut. I jumped of course! Scared to death. I began saying "who's there, who is it". Then I grabbed the call button and rang for the nurse. When she came in, no one was in the room. I told her that someone had been in my room and had run out and slammed the door. She had not seen anyone, but promised to keep an eye on my room.
Crippled and blind, trying to get some pleasure, now I can't ever be sure I have privacy!

Quick update

I'm still in the hospital. Getting physically stronger everyday. And, working hard on the braille. I have the numbers and alphabet down pretty well. Still get some letters mixed up by feel. In my mind, I can see them all correctly, but I'm still working on the feel. I have to take a pain medicine and a medicine for my bladder on a daily basis now. I've been working on identifying those by feel this week. I can tell I'm getting better at things. I just never imagined how hard it would be. I think I will get to go home next week until they have a place at the blind school for me. I am really looking forward to that - home I mean.

Brace is off!!!!

Today I finally got the brace off. 4 long months! Wow. It feels good to breath normally again lol! Much easier to transfer to and from my wheelchair, and this morning in therapy, I even did a floor to chair transfer by myself! Cathy was cheering me on.

After therapy, back in the room, I practiced my braille some more. The Dr's told me I'd be released to go to the blind school next week. So, I've really been practicing hard to get this braille alphabet down. I cannot for the life of me get S and T straight! I keep thinking S is T. So, soda becomes toda and then I'm like, oh that's an S, it's soda! I thought I was doing pretty well until Cathy timed me today. I'm only reading 4 or 5 words per minute. I'm sure it will get better with time. I am working on it everyday.

While it's still very overwhelming, considering my future as a blind paraplegic, I am excited to get on with my life. I'm anxious to get to blind school and learn more of how to function independently as much as possible.

I have to be honest though. I had so wanted to be a quadriplegic, but am finding I'm ok with just being a low paraplegic, but I do so miss my sight. I don't know how I can function this way independently, but they keep promising me I'll be suprised at just how much I can do by myself. Time will tell I suppose.

Weekend at home

Friday I had a CT Scan and the Nuero came in after he read it. He said the damage to the visual cortex was much worse than he had originally suspected. Good news is that the bleeding has stopped and swelling is gone now. So he is clearing me. He said he had originally hoped I might regain some vision, but based on that scan, he offerred no hope of me ever seeing again. He said he would check with the SCI Dr., but he thought I could go home for the weekend if I wanted!!!

"If I wanted"???? Well, long story short, I got to go home for the labor day weekend. My SCI Dr said I was ok to go, but I had to wear the bigger brace. I reluctantly agreed. They wheeled me out where Cathy had pulled up to get me. With some help, I transferred into the car, and they loaded my chair and we were on our way home. I cried. Not sure why. Just the emotion of at least part of this chapter being behind me I guess. Friday night Cathy ordered pizza. That was easy enough for me to eat without making a mess. Then, we expored the house. It was pretty clumsy at first I have to admit. Even thought it is already wheelchair accessible, it is still very awkward being blind also. Cathy helped me find the bed, transfer in and then she helped me get out of my clothes. I didn't need any for sleeping that night.:) I felt so good to be home, in my own bed, with Cathy by my side. We held each other all night. She even slipped her hand inside my brace and caressed my breasts, as I did hers. We kissed and just loved each other. Oh how I have missed that these last 4 weeks.

Saturday morning was a time of real exploration. Firsts in more than one way. In the brace, I still can't shower, so I sponged off. Cathy helped with what I could not see, or feel. I brushed my teeth. I knocked over about everything on the sink I think, but I got them brushed by myself. Then, washed my face and brushed my hair. I didn't try makeup lol! Doubt I'll ever be able to do that again by myself. Cathy left me in the bathroom, and told me to come to the dining room when I finished. I kinda panicked, but then I took a deep breath, and turned my wheelchair around and rolled it toward where I thought the door was. I bumped into the wall several times, finally finding my way out. Cathy yelled down the hall asking if everything was ok in there! We both laughed. I felt and rolled my way along the wall down the hall and into the dining room. She told me how far to roll and where to reach to find the table and my place. She told me not to reach out for anything yet, and then she explained that a boll of Cherios was right in front of me, a spoon on the left, on a napkin, and a glass of orange juice to the left behind the bowl. She said, Melody, you can do this! I know you can. I smiled, and reached slowly, feeling for everything, then, picked up the spoon with my right hand, and holding the bowl with my left, I ate my cereal, stopping occasionally to get a drink. I think I really did good! Cathy said I only spilled a couple of drops of milk. She came over and kissed me and told me how proud she was of me, and how sexy I looked sitting there crippled and blind.

After breakfast, she said I sould explore the house. Find my way around, and see how every thing felt. Remember, she said, your hands are your eyes now, love. I nodded and backed up my chair. As she washed dishes, I felt my way around the house. I went to each room. Bumping into nearly every piece of furniture we have, and every wall and doorway. She often yelled to me that I had to help clean those marks off the walls and furniture. I went thru the house about 5 or 6 times. I found after a while, it was easier for me to feel my way along with my hands and "pull" myself that way than to try and roll the wheelchair where I thought I should go. Cathy said, wow, you're really doing great! I just smiled.

After she finished that, she told me I should practice my braille while she cleaned up the bathroom. I read thru the alphabet and thru the list of words I had on the practice sheets. Cathy came in while I was practicing and began puttin my finger on certain letters, asking me what it was. I do pretty well with most. I still seem to get S and T mixed up for some reason. Anyway, after I practiced Cathy told me about the mess I'd left in the bathroom. I had used about a spoonful of toothpaste, and dropped another spoonful in the sink. Then, when I finished, I had left some on my chin, and smeared even more on the wall somehow. She confired I had knocked over almost everything on the sink. We both laughed.

That afternoon, we watched a movie, well Cathy watched, I just listened. It was an amazing day. My first day at home blind and crippled.

Sunday and Monday were pretty much the same. I did better brushing my teeth tho. It felt so good feeling Cathy touch my breasts, even thought we were very restricted due to my brace. I felt Cathy's face, and body several times. I so miss seeing her gorgeous body, and those sexy, atrophied legs. I can't get enough of touching her now, feeling every curve of her body. This has been an awesome weekend, but tomorrow morning we have to go back to the hospital, but I hope this will be the last week there before I get to go to blind school.