Another day

Well after dinner last night, Cathy asked if I had explored myself yet. I said no, and asked what she meant. She asked if I had felt to see what I can feel and what I can't. I felt my way down the brace, finding the end of it near the bottom of my belly. Then, touching my tummy, I felt my way down as far as my hands could reach. I had sensation to just above my clit. So close. Yet, so far away. The little thing, which I could barely reach, felt like someone else's body. Cathy explained that I need to explore and see what I have and what I don't as I can.

To be honest, it was a bittersweet moment. I realized I'd never feel anything there again. I found that very sad, yet very arousing at the same time.

Cathy went on to explain that I had a catheter in my bladder. It was just out of my reach due to the restrictions the brace impose on me. I had assumed I had one, but of course, could not see it.

Bacon and eggs for breakfast did not go well. The bacon was easy enough, once I found it on the plate, but I ended up with more of the eggs on me than in my mouth.

I was taken to therapy again, and did more transfers. They also did an assessment of my function. The thereapist took my legs, one at a time, well she told me she was holding them, and asked me to wiggle my toes, then move my ankles, extend my knees. There was no response to any of my efforts she said. Then she stretched my leg up toward my chest, with the knee bent like I was stepping up on something high. She had me feel my legs in the position, then she lowered them and asked me to lift them back up like I was stepping up on something. I had some movement in the hip to do that! But, that was it. My sensation line was then checked. It was just above my pussy in the front, and a little higher, just above my crack, as Cathy described it, in the back. I made 6 transfers today before giving out lol. Then back to the room.

Once in the room, Cathy made me work on the braille again. I have A-K down pretty good, and J,K and L. It is so difficult, but I know I have to learn it, it is my life now. Cathy said the therapist had told her they have a braille typewriter, and she said she was going to write me something on it, and I'd have to read it for her. I can't wait. I am going to get this down!!!

Lunch was a sandwich and soup. I did not even try the soup.

After lunch one of the therapist came in and explained they were gonig to start discharge planning soon. She explained that I would likely never be able to do my bowel or bladder programs independently. Cathy readily volunteered to help. The therapist said that a diaper was an alternative to managing the programs. But that would be for us to decide. I know Cathy loves diapers, but I had always wanted to wear a catheter. As it is, as a paraplegic, I should be able to do intermitent catheterization, but without my vision, I will like have to wear a foley, which is what I had wanted as a quadriplegic. I'm sure Cathy and I will have many conversations about that in the future.

I guess in some ways the shock of losing my sight is starting, starting I said, to wear off. By no means have I yet accepted this. But I know deep inside I have to face it, and I have to get thru it, somehow.